With all the time and energy that goes into finalizing adoption, parents might be tempted to think that the hard part is over. What we may fail to realize is that the struggle for our children is just beginning. Attitudes surface like unwanted weeds in our garden! Why does it take daily tending to care for the garden of our children’s hearts?

They are children

Did you notice that sometimes we overlook the most obvious things? There are times when a child cries just because he is a child. In the same way, a child will sometimes disobey because he is not aware that he is disobeying but is just curious or learning. We as parent may think that one thing is motivating them at a given time, only to find out that it is something quite different.

In times of stress, we tend to react rather than to think and pray about our responses. We may wonder why our child does not behave like we want them to, and we forget that they have to learn and mature just as we did. One of the blessings of children is that they can show awe and amazement about things which have become commonplace to us. That, for example, is one reason that Jesus said that our faith in Him should be like that of a little child—humble, sincere. We need to allow our child to be a child.

Because they are adopted

Every child comes with a desire to be loved, and yet our adopted children do not yet sense that we love them. They will challenge us in order to find the limits of our love. they doubt their own self-worth, because they have been separated from their birth parents. They come with fragile self-images. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just give them a big hug.

This struggle can continue into adolescence and adulthood. The desire to prove one’s self-worth may make the adopted child vulnerable to actions or activities which meet with the parents’ disapproval. But the wise parent will continue to parent—to help the child make the right kinds of choices—and to transition from the role of superior to mentor to friend.

Because we are not perfect either

We tend to pick out in others those things that are most challenging to us. Our child will sense what irritates or troubles us, and children push the right “buttons” to get us angry. Our child, just like we ourselves, comes with a temperament, and we need to study that child’s temperament. Since we are also sinners, we need to also cultivate our own garden and confess our sins to the Lord, asking Him to give us the patience that we need to go on.

Here is an acronym to help us become better gardeners:

C – Choose

H – How

I – I

L – Love, Laugh, and Listen

D – Daily

How have you discovered ways to be a better gardener of your adopted child’s heart?