Uncertainty is a fact of life. Children who are adopted deal with uncertainly because of the disruptive family life that caused them to lose their birth parents. This uncertainty is in addition to the usual questions that children ask because of their age. In order to deal with their uncertainty, we need to find out what their questions are, and then find answers to give them hope.

Abuse by Birth Parents

Many adopted children share a history of abuse (physical and/or verbal) by one or more birth parents. Not only have some been physically abandoned, but many have been emotionally abandoned as well. The fear of having to endure further abuse by their adoptive parent is real because there is doubt in their minds about their worth.

Uncertainty Due to Attachment Disorder

Attachment disorder is something that most adopted children experience initially during their adoption. Since they cannot process motivations, they see the abandonment by their birth parents as something that they may have caused. They wonder about the choices of their birth parents which resulted in their being placed for adoption. The children question if their birth parents would have made the same choices if they as children had been more lovable. Now they will test the adoptive parents to see if they, too, will abandon them.

Uncertainty Due to Physical Abnormalities

Children are innately aware of their physical limitations. Any abnormality (real or imagined) is magnified in their minds by virtue of their having been adopted. The adopted child is thrust into a world of comparison, and already he feels defeated because of having lost his birth parents. Any slight difference (too small, too big, speaking with an accent) may cause the adopted child to question his worth.

Uncertainly Due to Being a New Culture

Being in a new locale and a new culture are stress-producing for everyone. While children tend to adapt more readily than adults (due to lack of expectations), they still are uncertain about how to react when they are placed in a new culture with new rules. This is especially true of a high-context culture (where verbal cues are less frequently given, and the individual is expected to read the nonverbal cues). New ways of doing things cause anxiety, because if the adopted child is older, he has learned patterns of behavior based on the culture from which he came.

Uncertainty Due to Lack of Understanding Natural Consequences

The adopted child also faces the difficulty of not grasping natural consequences. Many have experienced a chaotic lifestyle of “survival of the fittest” prior to their adoption. They have not been taught the basic principle of natural consequences. There is no pattern of good or bad that they can comprehend, and they cannot predict what an adoptive parent will prescribe as the outcome of a given behavior.

Uncertainty as to Whether Mother or Father is to be Obeyed

Most children will attempt to pit mom against dad in order to get their way. This especially true if one is more lenient or permissive than the other. Adopted children live in a world where both adoptive parents are strangers. As a result, the child will try to see if they can cause disagreement between the parents, and their motivation is to see which one of the parents the child must obey.

The hope that we offer these children is the subject of my next blog. We give them hope as we help them to (1) leave and (2) cleave.