In the previous blog, I mentioned six causes of uncertainty in the mind of an adopted child (abuse by birth parents, uncertainty due to attachment disorder, uncertainty due to physical abnormalities, uncertainty due to being in a new culture, uncertainty due to lack of understanding natural consequences, and uncertainty as to whether mother or father is to be obeyed). In this blog, we will apply the “leave” and “cleave” principle (Genesis 2:24) to your adopted child. While Genesis 2:24 is primarily applicable to the marriage relationship, this principle is used in Philippians 3:13 in a broader sense.

Leaving

The nature of adoption is separation from one’s birth parents, as well as familiar surroundings and habits. The principle in Genesis 2:24 refers to a man (or woman) leaving their original family with a view to starting their own family. Philippians 3:13 refers to this as “forgetting what lies behind.” Depending on the age of the child at his adoption, the child may or may not have distinct memories of their birth family or culture.

The separation that occurs is primarily based on a loss of support structure. For many children, this occurs when they are placed either in an orphanage or in foster care. No longer are there two adults (or one) who have the responsibility to nourish and cherish the child. The harshness encountered by the child can mirror the trauma that they experienced when they were born and were first outside the mother’s womb.

In addition to physical separation from one’s birth family (which includes the loss of the bonding that goes on in utero even in adoptions at birth), there is emotional separation. The latter results in lack of self-worth and testing to find out what it would take for another set of parents to abandon them. Only by trusting in a God who promises never to abandon them will they have no further thoughts about the rejection that led to their adoption. At this point, they will realize that they were not the cause of their loss of their birth parent(s), and will no longer blame themselves for this. It is the realization that our security is not in our circumstances, but rather in the One who controls our circumstances.

This principle addresses the uncertainties related to loss of birth parents, attachment disorder, and physical deformities. As adoptive parents, we need to constantly remind our children of the fact that there are things in their lives that “are behind them,” leading them to a decision not to dwell in the past. This reassurance, along with correction of any obvious physical deformities, is the primary means of helping them to “leave” their family of origin. This recognition needs to be gently reminded on a daily basis.

Cleaving

Adoption provides a new home and a new family for the child. In Genesis 2:24, the principle of cleaving refers to the man and woman starting their own family, and it becomes the basis for Jesus’ teaching on the permanence of marriage (Mark 10:7-8). For bonding in adoption to occur, the child must sense both permanence, acceptance, and love. This requires that both parents and child reach out to each other. Philippians 3:13 refers to this as “straining forward to what lies ahead.” It is a relationship that is created apart from one’s natural birth family.

The hope that is the basis of cleaving is found in Jeremiah 29:11, where God says He has a plan for His children’s welfare. Whatever trauma led up to the child being adopted (referred to in Jeremiah 29:11 as “calamity”), God makes it clear that He is working through the trauma to bring about something much better than the child imagines. The bonding of the adoption for a Christian revolves on the permanence of God’s love for both the child and the adoptive parents. Since this love is not affected by one’s actions or behavior, it is both unconditional and unchangeable.

The adoptive parents give hope to their child by reminding them of God’s nature and by reflecting God’s character. By seeing these things lived out in their adoptive family, the child visualizes the fact that there is something good ahead of them, a new family that revolves not around either himself or even his new parents. It is a future that is predicated around God’s plan for them.

This principle addresses the uncertainties related to being in a new culture, lack of understanding natural consequences, and whether mother or father is to be obeyed. Cleaving results in the child experiencing the peace of God. Philippians 3:7 refers to this as “the peace that surpasses all understanding.” The adoptive parents should actively engage the child, helping him to overcome challenges in his life and visualizing achievement for him based on his gifts and abilities.

Please comment on these two blogs and how you see them apply to your situation with your adopted child (or adoptive parents). I would love to hear from you!