Discipline is often confused with punishment, especially when it comes to adopted children. But it doesn’t need to be. Punishment is focused on the misbehavior and its outcomes, and is designed to teach our child that there are natural consequences to his actions. Discipline, on the other hand, is proactive in nature and seeks to train a child to discern the best course of action in his life.

How often do you hear about physical abuse in adopted children? Because of a history of past physical abuse, the adoptive parent is advised not to punish these children with means such as spanking. All too often, punishment is done hastily after a child misbehaves and before the parent takes the time to determine if the child was acting out of knowledge that they were doing was wrong. The parent often punishes impulsively after being angered by the child’s behavior.

A wise parent will take time to assess the conditions leading up to the infraction, unless the child’s safety or welfare is in imminent danger. This enables the parent to reason with the child (depending on their age) about what has happened and the consequences of the child’s misbehavior. We found it helpful to have more than one member of the family present when this confrontation takes place. Punishment is not solely focused on deterrence; it is also focused on restoration of the child to good standing in the family.

Discipline is an entirely different type of training for the adopted child. In many cases, the adopted child has not been exposed to this kind of training before. The best way to illustrate discipline is how a coach trains athletes or a music teacher with a musical instrument. It is focused on learning right ways to do things, with a view to how using what we (and our children) have learned will result in a better future for us.

This is the kind of discipline that God exercises toward us as His adopted children as well (“For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives,” Hebrews 12:6). He extends His grace to us rather than always punishing us for what we have done wrong, and wants to train us in righteousness. However, just like athletic or musical moves are originally unnatural to us, we also find His instruction in virtue to be abnormal to our earthly mindset. This, as the author of Hebrews points out, may be momentarily painful (“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it,” Hebrews 12:11). However, if we endure, the result is the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

Discipline is always intentional and instructive. It is not spontaneous or destructive. As we discipline our adopted children, we often find areas of our own life which are lacking. God is using our children to help make more like our Heavenly Father.

Are you willing to take the time and energy to discipline your adopted children? If so, the first discipline to be mastered is that of a love for God’s Word. There should be daily times of reading His Word and praying (appropriate for age level). I challenge you to map out a thirty-day plan for this, and then stick to it. Feel free to comment about how you have gone about doing this and the results you observe.