We wanted an outlet for our sons, so we decided to enroll them in a YMCA spring soccer league. They were playing with boys their age, so most of the games were evenly matched in terms of skills and abilities. The coach rotated the players throughout the game, so every child got about the same amount of playing time.

One Saturday morning, they played a game with another cross-town team. On that team, there was one boy who appeared to be two years older and much larger than all of the other children on the field. He was playing forward and was able to run the ball and score freely, and our coach lacked any players to challenge him. The opposing coach, no doubt taking joy in seeing this advantage, left this player in the game for almost the entire match. As parents, we were upset because we felt this violated the spirit of friendly competition among the other children on the field.

As I pondered my reaction, I realized life seems to give certain people unfair advantages. It may be in terms of size or physical ability, it may be intellectual, or it may be financial. One area where people differ is the length of their lives. In all these cases, the recipient of the advantage may not be aware of how his or her advantage impacts and influences others. Our children had started life disadvantaged because of their dysfunctional family, and we were trying to compensate for this. However, as I watched the soccer game progress, we realized that no amount of cheering our sons on would compensate for the overwhelming physical advantage of the boy on the opposing team. To them, he was a star athlete; to us, he was a fly in the ointment.

This raises the awkward question of how we deal with unevenness in life. Very little of life is “fair” as we see it, yet we manage to adjust to the challenges we face. One important quality to learn is to be able to cheer the other person on, even when they seem to have an “unfair” advantage. In a culture defined by individualism, we need to regain the perspective of the “common good.” I want my adopted sons to succeed not just for themselves, but for the benefit of those around them. This requires a great deal more humility, and I needed to learn that on the Saturday morning in question. And today. The lessons continue.