We are right to ask if adoption takes intentionality. Intentionality, according to the Oxford Dictionary, means “the fact of being deliberate or purposive.” It further goes on to define it as “the quality of mental states (e.g. thoughts, beliefs, desires, hopes) which consists in their being directed towards some object or state of affairs.” It is the opposite of haphazard or accidental. Intentionality in adoption not only applies to the actions leading up to the adoption itself, but all that occurs after that.

We have all heard our children call out, “M-o-m-m-m!” or “D-a-d-d-y!” in a moment of urgently wanting to get our attention. While these calls to us can be in response to dangers or threats, often they are simply attempts by our children to draw us into relationship with them. At times our sons played off of each other, and I had to decide which need was the most urgent to address.

Not only do adopted children have the usual needs of children, but they often have special needs as well. No child assumes that they are loved, for example, but infers that this is so by the actions and words of the parent. Adopted children more frequently question and challenge the premise that they are loved (or are worthy of love) after having lost their birth parents. This is further compounded by the fact that children, as a rule, lack the ability to make comparative observations, and therefore they intuit that their experience is normal (even if it is not).

While a lot of child-rearing is spontaneous in response to specific events that occur, much of parenting needs to be strategically planned. The parent should have an idea of what they will do in response to certain behaviors of the child, as well as train their children how to respond and react to specific situations. The greatest need for this in the life of the adopted child is in the area of family relationships.

Intentionality with our children requires time and energy. The adoptive parent needs to be prepared to make the investment in his children with a view to his legacy, and not veer into narcissism. And it is often the case that the opportunity to make the greatest investment in our children with our time comes on the cusp of those periods where we feel we have the fewest resources of time and energy left.

While the culture continues to drift toward individualism and isolationism, and away from a communal form of relationships, parents can take a proactive approach to the subject of the meaning of family and one’s role in the family. Intentionality plays a part in this, because the parent needs to explain to the child the importance of the family. The adopted child will challenge the relationships within the family if only to see whether he is important to the members of the family.

In coming blogs, I will look at some specific areas that should be targeted with intentionality. In the meantime, I leave you with another acronym:

IN tentional

T ime

EN gaged

T ogether

I mpacts

O ne’s

N ature

Let me know what areas you find intentionality most helpful to you in rearing your children.