One of the frustrations of the adoptive parent is trying to teach obedience to his/her child. Obedience involves shaping the will, and also involves trust. This is why it is often so difficult to teach our adoptive children obedience, because they lack the ability to trust us given their attachment problems. There are three reasons why we want our children to obey us: (1) for their protection, (2) to avoid future problems, and (3) because of our own personal preferences.

For Their Protection

Younger children, in particular, are vulnerable to threats to their safety and are unable to foresee possible dangers. A good parent wants to protect his child from the hazards that surround them, dependent on their age. That is why the Bible mentions the need for children to obey their parents, because it expects parents to guard their children from harm (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20; Proverbs 1:8). Children need to learn to respond instantly to certain commands from their parents without questioning in order to avoid harm. In addition, the adopted child may not associate danger with certain situations or devices which are different from their previous environment or culture, and need to be instructed on the differences between their prior home and their new adoptive family’s house. The protection that needs to be afforded changes significantly with the age of the child, with the older child needing instruction regarding the dangers associated with such things as operating a motor vehicle and premarital sexual activity.

To Avoid Future Problems

God expects that we will be in submission to those whom He has put in authority over us (Romans 13:1). This is true whether we talk about government, employment, school, or the family. That is the reason that He wants our children to learn to honor their father and mother (Exodus 20:12; Matthew 15:4). This certainly applies to the adoptive parents as well. One way that the adoptive parent can teach submission to themselves is through as much praise and honor as possible being given to the birth parent(s). Children who resist authority will be subjected to future difficulties and problems, and the wise parent will seek to teach their child that authority over them is given to various people throughout their lives. The need to learn to be submissive to those in charge starts with the home.

We must train our children that there are consequences to their disobedience. In addition, we should teach our children that when they disobey those over them, they are also disobeying God and need to seek His forgiveness as well. While in no way condoning child abuse, teaching a child about the results of rebellion is a way of forestalling stubborn wrong choices by them in the future.

Based on Parent’s Preferences

The third reason that we often insist on our children’s obedience to us is based merely on our own preferences. This is certainly subjective, and parents need to be aware that the child’s likes and dislikes may not be the same as the parent’s. The wise parent needs discretion to know whether or not they are asking the child to do something is based on their own personal desires (Colossians 3:21). A child’s defiance may not be about matters of substance (such as safety or morality) but due to other factors such as illness or tiredness. In such a situation, the adoptive parent needs to reinterpret the child’s refusal to obey based on the context in which the child is expressing it.

In order to help us all learn better how to obey God and those whom He has placed over us, here is an acronym:

O – Offer our

B – Best

E – Esteem and

Y – Yield our rights

What are the reasons that you teach your children to obey?