The Process of Earning Our Children’s Trust

Our sons also had to process the adoption in their own ways, and this meant times acting out because of their attachment disorder. It took a lot of work for them to trust in the ongoing love and care that we were going to give them (far beyond food and shelter, which they had received in the orphanage). They had come from a history of abandonment, and it was not easy for them to believe that we were going to provide for them for a lifetime. The orphanage also had a culture of older boys making the younger ones submit to them through fear of their power (in the absence of parents). Our children did not know why their birth family had abandoned them, and probably many times wondered when they would see their family again.

Trust is a difficult thing to earn, and it has to be earned over a long period of time through a diverse set of interactions and choices. Trust starts when one person expresses a desire or a hope, and waits for another person to act on the basis of this. Our sons expressed trust in the courtroom when they agreed to be adopted (action), but had to learn that we as parents were trustworthy in a variety of settings (process). We finally turned a corner in their minds when they came to the conclusion that we would not ever send them back to the orphanage (we had never threatened to do so).

So, too, the child of God must learn to trust his loving Heavenly Father who has adopted him. This is a process which is characterized by one small decision after another. When it comes to temptation, for example, 1 Corinthians 10:13 says we need to trust God that He makes a way of escape for us. Another illustration of this is turning to God in prayer both for His wisdom and for His provision (Philippians 4:6-7). Each action that we take toward God is another step in the process of trusting Him as our Father.

The Process of Establishing Stability in Our Children’s Lives

It was a series of events that moved our sons to believe that we truly loved them and that our adoption of them was permanent. As children, our sons had not known stability in their lives due to their birth family nor as a result of their being in two different orphanages. The result was that they were not able to piece together a picture of their lives where the people and events in them were not subject to change. Our adoption of them only confirmed the fact that there were more changes coming to their lives, and the outcome of these changes was unknown.

We worked through routines that would help them understand that there were patterns in life. This was a key first step in helping them to comprehend that there were consequences to their actions. As they were able to assimilate patterns of life, they were able to assume more responsibility for their own actions because they were able to reason that there was a framework of stability that would allow them to assess which actions were right and which were wrong. We worked through daily schedules, and allowed them to be aware of the expectations for their time. School was an important part of their routine, but so was play.

In our Christian life, we grow in stability through the spiritual disciplines as well. Spending time reading God’s Word and praying, for example, are important for us in order to know that our walk with God is an integral part of our lives. These then are part of God’s process to help us trust Him as His adopted children.

Where in the process of building trust and stability are you in your adoption of your children? What would make you trust God more in your daily life?