“Pray for [our adopted daughter]. She and I have had some difficult conversations lately that were very disheartening. … So far away spiritually.” So read a text from one of our friends recently. The disconnect between the bond of adoption and the adopted adult’s actions couldn’t be magnified more greatly.

What this means is that the view of adoption differs significantly between the parent and the adult adopted son or daughter. The expectation of the parent is that the child will follow the pattern set in the home where they grew up in. The adult adoptee, however, may view becoming an adult as the opportunity to “sprout their wings” and act out as much as they want. Could this be (yet) another manifestation of unresolved reactive attachment disorder?

There is no doubt significant spiritual warfare is going on. Any child who has been adopted and reared in a Christian family and then rebelled is being drawn away by the evil one, especially if they are involved in activity that contradicts their Christian training. It takes a great deal of courage for a young adult to act counterculturally and refuse the engage in practices deemed and taught to be acceptable by the culture. And obedience is one of those practices that is discouraged by our culture. 

Is the parent engaged in behavior that exacerbates the adult adoptee’s (mis-)behavior? That is a difficult question, but there are times when the parent refuses to accept the adult status of their son or daughter, especially when they view their child to be making irresponsible choices. We are all responsible for our own choices, but not those of others. Is there a need for the parent to ask forgiveness from their son or daughter about an action or attitude in the past? There may even be a role for formal counseling in such a setting.

Prayer is to be the first line of action when difficulties occur, as we pour out our hearts to God and plead for His mercy on the wayward son or daughter. God is available 24/7/365 for intercession on behalf of our children.

Should the parent choose to let go of their adult adopted child? The story of the prodigal son in Luke 15 suggests that there is a time when the adoptive parent should release the adult son or daughter to make their own choices, no matter how foolish. By attempting to make choices for our adult children (assuming that they have the capacity to make those choices themselves) merely drives the attitudes of the son or daughter deeper. God is the one who will convict these children in His own time and His own way (often involving pain).

Please feel free to share your story about your adoptive journey and the struggles that you have had. We all learn from each other’s experiences.