Pictures came across my computer screen of an Icelandic volcano erupting with streams of lava. Similar photographs were seen during an eruption of a volcano on Hawaii. These videos give a sense of both raw power and fear at the same time, with fire, molten rock, and ash spreading over the landscape. The inability to predict the timing of one of these explosions or how long they will last before they subside add to the mystery behind them.

Like many others, we thought that adoption was not necessarily going to be easy, but that it was going to end without any major trauma to us or our family. Like many adoptive parents, we failed to appreciate the severity of emotional trauma running as an undercurrent in the lives of our sons. It did not take long before the actions brought on by this pain began to burst out before us.

While every adoption is not alike, it remains true that many share the challenges of dealing with the raw emotions that an adopted child expresses as he becomes more secure in his new environment and family. The expressions of these emotions can be both self-directed (self-harm or recklessness) and others-directed (violence, lying, stealing). One moment the child can be calm, and the next he can be engaged in destructive behaviors.

What we began to see was that these demonstrations of power were part of the healing process for our sons. They gradually came to grips with the powerful emotions inside of them, beginning to recognize that their lives prior to adoption had not been normal. We learned to take a long-term approach to these situations, combining instruction with grace. We realize that God has forgiven the many times we have disobeyed Him and reacted to circumstances around us. This enabled us to extend His grace to our children. We needed to adopt the view that our children were a work in progress, not a finished task. Once we recognized this, we were not necessarily in a hurry to correct every outburst, but were willing to allow the volcano to burn itself out as they settled down.

We also learned that the flows of lava and ash are part of the volcanic eruption. The lava creates new pathways as it flows away from the volcano. Hopefully these will be more constructive outlets for future flareups. It also fertilizes the ground for crops that will grow in successive years. Volcanic ash also has antibacterial and antiseptic properties, and it may be used for healing of skin irritation. In the same way, the healing that comes about as a result of these surges may relieve the grief and sorrow of past experiences.

What encouraged you the most in withstanding these explosive exchanges and actions of your adopted children? As parents, we need to encourage one another in recognizing that these are to be expected, as much as we dread their arrival. Please comment in the space below about what has helped you.