The start of fifth grade was a milestone for our two sons. They started attending a new school, adjusting to new friends and a new teacher. The teacher had taught fifth grade for many years, and mastered the art of getting to know each pupil and motivating them to learn. Each week, there was a spelling quiz as part of their English/language arts studies. She assigned a list of twenty words to the students each Friday for the following Friday’s quiz.

When it came to spelling, Mrs. Craig gave all the students a challenge. Anyone who took the pretest of the same twenty words on Wednesday and got 100 percent correct would not have to retake the quiz on Friday, but instead would be allowed to sit in the back of the room and eat popcorn. It was an ingenious way to get the schoolchildren to work ahead and not wait until Friday. It was also a signal that students who studied hard would be honored for doing so, because they got a special privilege.

Mrs. Craig used the principle of honor to get the students to work on their assignment. It was a special source of pride for those who studied ahead to be able to enjoy popcorn while others were taking the exam for the second time. Our sons grasped this concept, since they came from a background that emphasized honor (and shame) as important cultural values. What we discovered was that they were motivated by being honored as part of their character. We learned that this was an important principle for adoptive parents of international adoptees (especially beyond toddlers) to understand as a means to help shape their spirit.

The desire to be honored (and not shamed) can be a powerful tool if used properly. Contrary to the Western emphasis on blame and guilt in shaping personality, children who grow up in an honor/shame culture avoid wrongdoing because they do not want to bring shame on themselves or their families (the major consequence of misconduct) rather than emphasizing personal guilt. This is a way of teaching lasting change.

Parents of older international adoptees need to be aware of this difference. While children respond differently as we try to shape their character, this generalization can help us understand what is behind the behavior of the adopted young person. Please use the comment box below to share a story about how you have found this useful in your training of your adopted child.