One of the challenges in adoption is knowing how to respond to our children when they act out. This is more of a challenge as they grow older and have been in our family for a longer period of time.

In fact, just when you think you know the rules, the rules seem to change. You think you know how to calm a specific type of behavior, but what you try (which used to work) does not work now. You tell yourself that the child ought to be old enough to blush regarding the actions they are taking, and yet you find that you are the one blushing.

Our children’s venture into pornography was like this. One of their friends from school introduced them to the world of internet porn, and they sneaked behind us to keep us from knowing that they were looking at this. It was difficult to find the evidence, but eventually we discovered what they were doing.

All of child rearing is about teaching children to make the best choices. Life is full of cheap substitutes (I think of this every time I see another label that reads “imitation flavor” or “zero calories”). Yet, we learn to delay gratification in order to choose the opportunity to enjoy the very best.

So, when our children begin to act out (at whatever age), it usually is not helpful for us to ask them the question, “Why?” Either they are so out of touch with reality that they are not able to appropriately answer the question, or they know the answer and have chosen to react in a way that denies that the answer is true. In our own assessment of what happened (usually after the fact), we realize that most of these events are cries to us for help. They are looking for some concrete assurance that we really love them, and that they, therefore, are capable of being loved. There should be consequences for the behavior itself, but these need to be couched in the reminder that we will always love them.

We also need to be aware that their behaviors can mirror those of us toward our Heavenly Father from time to time. If they seem ungrateful, we can ask whether we have been ungrateful toward God (especially in those times when plans go awry or we have a physical crisis). Do we try to rely on our own strength and resources in a crisis, or do we cry out to the Heavenly Father for help?

What works for you when your children have a meltdown? Please share in the comments. Let’s rehearse our strategies so that we can come to their aid when a crisis occurs.