It was the perfect weekend. Like the calm on a lake on a summer day, we had experienced renewed energy from our fun time together. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a storm brewed where our adopted children decided to defy us. We felt the frustration from having had our day of enjoyment spoiled by their anger.

Frustration is a normal part of living. It results from the fact that we all have expectations. Some of these expectations are blocked or denied because of behaviors of those around us who either do not know what our expectations are, or who do not share those same expectations. They also have expectations and hopes which we may not be aware of or do not have in common.

Why do our adopted children know how to frustrate us? And why do they do it when they do it? First, we need to realize that their lives prior to adoption have been characterized by frustration. Parents and caregivers who have neither the energy nor the time to find out what these children need, much less provide for it, are all that most of our adopted children have been exposed to. They learn to cope by reacting defiantly in order to call attention to their own desires.

All of us are born with a sin nature and the bent to put ourselves ahead of others, so it is no surprise when anyone of us allows herself to be guided by her own selfish wishes. This is often exacerbated by concomitant drains on our psyche like fatigue, sickness, sadness, or disappointment. We must constantly guard against the temptation to put our own interests before those of others. This is what the Scripture refers to as “self-control.”

What we need to do as parents when we feel frustration welling up inside is to stop what we are doing and ask what prompted those feelings. Were our children disappointed by something we did (or did not do)? Can we draw them out and ask them what they are feeling (assuming that their behavior has not put themselves or others in danger)? Can we learn from the situation so that our reactions might be different the next time?

All of this requires that we as adoptive parents be intentional. We are looking to make a change in ourselves first and then in our children that will cause less hurt and frustration in the future. We chose to adopt, and now we choose to sacrifice some of our own wishes for those of our children. We model good behaviors to them, such as saying “thank you” when they obey us or reply graciously to us. And we pray for them regularly that the Spirit of God would lead and guide them to make good decisions.

How about you? What have you found as causes of frustration for you (by your children) or for your children (by you)? How have you found ways to overcome this? I look forward to reading your responses!