“Promises, promises!” We have all heard this retort when we make a promise to someone after we have failed to carry out what we have previously promised. Why are promises so important?

First, promises are a form of commitment. We are asking the other person to believe our words and count on them. When we fail to keep our promises, trust is lost and others cannot put faith in our words. Second, promises are meant to be kept. All of our relationships depend on the stability that promises create. Third, we move in our thinking from the concrete to the abstract. It is difficult for a child to understand, “I love you,” if they do not experience fulfillment of an actual desired activity they anticipate.

Fourth, promises reflect our character. If we keep our promises, that means that we have a stable, trustworthy character and are likely to remain dependable in the future. The commitments we make today (or have made in the past) shape the way we are likely to view commitments in the future. Similarly, if we persevere in relationships even when they are difficult, others will observe that we view commitments and promises seriously. We cannot allow giving things to our children to replace the intangible, spending time with them. There is no such thing as “quality time” to a child, only time spent.

Our adopted children have difficulty in accepting our promises. They carry with them wounds from their past based on the loss of their birth parents. The bonding which occurs between children and their birth parents is one of the strongest forms of attachment, and when this bond is broken, uncertainty enters the life of the child. Even the bonding which occurs as a result of adoption only gradually replaces the bond which has been lost with the birth parents.

Parents have difficulty in predicting what their children will interpret as a promise, and adoptive parents are no different. Something as simple as a proposition like, “Let’s go to the park and play,” may sound innocent to the adult but is interpreted as a promise by a child. What is understood as a promise by a child is something connected with a deep desire, often connected to something enjoyable. Since our adopted children come with a history of broken promises, when we fail to keep our word, we simply add to their long list of failed promises.

How do we avoid this pitfall? The best way is to think through what we are going to say to our adopted children before we say it. We should ask ourselves, is this something that they might (or will) view as a promise? If so, how can we help them comprehend whether or not we intended it to be a promise or not? One possible solution is to ask the child to repeat back what we have said to them so we can see if they have truly understood us. We can also ask them what promises they think we have already made to them, so that we become aware of what they are thinking.

Even so, we find that we fail at times to fulfill the wishes of our children. What is important at this point is to go to them and ask their forgiveness for not having kept our promise to them. That will help them know that they are important to us, and that we have a desire to be faithful to our commitments when we make them in the future.

How have you handled the question of promises with your adopted child? Do you have a secret to share? Are you looking for ways to do better? Please comment on this post below.