As I have traveled to different cultures, I have learned that people have different concepts of time. In the United States, time is very “by-the clock,” and we anticipate activities will have a a precise beginning and ending. However, in many other cultures, time has a very event- or people-oriented view, meaning only that an activity will happen sometime in the future.

            Our adopted children inherit our attitude toward time. Their expectations perfect their understanding of how we fulfill what we have promised them. It starts out with their hopes about routine things in life, followed by our promises to spend time with them in special activities (“I plan to take you fishing Saturday,” “I will take you to the amusement park at the end of July”). Even simple things like planning dinner at a certain hour reflect our priorities and thoughts about time to our children.

            In other cultures, time spent is more important than time anticipated. The timing of dinner revolves around other commitments and a desire to spend time with others. Planning the timing of an event may be affected by concepts of honor and shame in that culture. Growing up in an orphanage may exhibit unpredictability to our children, and they may not be able to anticipate with certainty when specific events (even meals) will occur.

            Add to that the unanticipated events of life (one of us or a member of our family gets sick, or our car breaks down), and you begin to see how the concept of time is an ever evolving one. Whether or not our adopted children are able to adjust to our thoughts about time may impact their sense of acceptance and attachment.

            The question, “What time is dinner?” may be fraught with a number of variables that our children may not be able to voice. On the one hand, we want them to be able to trust how we describe the future to them, but on the other hand, we also want them to see that other variables may impact the timing of activities.

            Flexibility is the ability to adapt to ever-changing demands on our time. In another culture, the need to be flexible is indispensable, and that makes planning all the more challenging. How do we teach our adopted children an accurate sense of time as well as a sense of flexibility?

            First, we need to acknowledge how our children fit into our own sense of priorities. As God’s children, we value our children in a special way, and our love for them is shown by meeting their needs and desires. When other priorities begin to crowd out our family, we need a reset to our priorities.

            Second, we need to be willing to confess where we have failed to live up to their expectations using our time. When we give our word about activities that involve our children, we need to be aware that we build their anticipation that things will happen. Even if the unexpected happens, we need to humbly approach them and explain and perhaps ask them to forgive us.

            Third, we need to teach them to model flexibility in a godly way. No one knows perfectly what the future holds. When the unexpected intervenes and changes our plans, we need to go to our children and ask how they feel as a result of these changes. We can even share their disappointment. In this way, they learn that part of maturity is the willingness to allow God to modify our plans.

            In these ways, we demonstrate to our children that planning and flexibility are both necessary. We live up to our commitments (such as, “what time is dinner?”), and also permit adjustments to our plans as God directs. As they see us living lives of dependence on God rather than our ourselves, they will be drawn to Him as the one true thing in life that never changes.