I stood by a father who had lost his eight-year-old daughter to multiple burns, and we cried together. We also wept at the miscarriage of our grandchild. Perhaps the most difficult experience of any parent is the loss of a child. We all experience multiple losses in life, and yet we are compelled to stop and grieve every time.

We also grieve with the disruption of an adoption. Parents frequently enter the adoptive process in the hope of mending from their own infertility, only to find out that rearing an adopted child is fraught with difficulty based on the previous life trauma of the child(ren). The special needs of a child (especially an older one) can lead to chaos within the family unit. Our family had to deal with this pain during the teenage years of our adopted children.

Our cultural sense of well-being is that God is expected to make life better and easier for us. When things happen that we do not think are compatible with this worldview, we are forced to confront some of our assumptions. We can forget how sin has tarnished this world, and its consequences continue to haunt us.

The life traumas of our adopted children are not easily overcome. They long to be valued and yet cannot figure out why those closest to them (birth parents) did not cherish them. They yearn for any resemblance of permanence, and yet do everything they can to destroy it. The struggle for acceptance goes on into the teen years as our children experiment with alcohol and tobacco, and sometimes sex and drugs, to gain acceptance from peers. We pray for them to have the insight into what they are doing with their bodies, sometimes to no avail.

What should we do when we feel incapable of “rescuing” our adopted children? We are tempted to think that there is an iron ceiling separating us from God and heaven. We cry as parents together. We need to find our support group, so that we can share openly about the flood of emotions in our lives. We may try to get assistance for our children, but we cannot make the right choices for them. We must ultimately turn them over to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to build a wall of protection around them and lead them back to Himself. They remain ours no matter where they go or what they do.

If you have lost a child or are in the process of losing a child, know that you are not alone. Many have gone through similar circumstances who come alongside and support you. We must be vulnerable in sharing our pain so that others who have been through similar circumstances can help. Also, be willing to help those who are currently aching if you have survived such a loss.