Have you ever wanted something to really be over? It could be standing in a line in a checkout at a store, or even wanting your dentist visit to end. Recently, I developed a nasty head cold, and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. However, last summer I gained another insight while recovering from surgery.
My leg was in bad enough shape that I was hobbling everywhere, and so I really looked forward to having surgery done to relieve the pain and allow me to get back to walking normally. It was easy to picture this as an intervention that would help me walk again, but as everyone who had surgery knows, the surgery only precedes the recovery. The rest of the summer was spent in rehabbing from surgery and trying to regain my strength. I soon realized that I had encountered a process in addition to the action of surgery.
It was the same way with our adoption. We thought that all of the paperwork leading up to our adoption would culminate in the day when we stood before the judge and received permission to formally adopt our sons. And that day came! What I underestimated was the process which was to follow that day, which was in many ways more important that the actual adoption itself.
The Action and the Process of Adoption
The action of adoption started technically when the court gave approval to the adoption of our two sons. The court that allowed us to adopt our sons made final the adoption from their country’s point of view. Legally they were ours. However, we soon found out that adoption involved much more. It required that we secure visas for our sons to come to the United States (including a twenty-five-document dossier for each one). We also had to clear immigration and customs as we were leaving their country, as well as upon entering the United States. It also required that we submit many documents in support of their naturalization as United States citizens.
All of this was on top of helping our sons learn to adapt to American culture and life. Since they did not speak English, they had to converse with us in their birth language. One of the first requirements was helping them to enroll in school, where they would learn English from interacting with other children. They also had to process the freedom to have fun as children (something that was not part of their life to a large degree in the orphanage). While their fear was gone, they still had to process the new structure of the environment that they moved into. The adjustments that they made were subsequent to the actions that we made.
Two Words That Blend Into One
What we were discovering was that adoption was both an action and a process. Our culture emphasizes actions, but frequently downplays processes. This is evidenced by our interest in what is going on in the moment (rather than giving consideration to the implications for the future), and in our desire for things “instant.” While the words “adopt” and “adapt” only differ in one letter, they carry many overlapping ideas. To adopt a child, both children and parents need to learn to adapt to the new environment. So here is a way of viewing the relationship of the two:
| Adopt | Adapt | |
| Ideas | New concepts about life are expressed and learned (especially about nurturing), which replace past ideas about what was “normal” | New patterns of thinking about each other’s needs become the new “normal” for both parents and children |
| Relationships | New relationships are formed which replace old relationships | New relationships must become trustworthy and trusted |
| Culture | New patterns of living become normal and replace old patterns of living | New habits and ways of thinking must be formed to adjust to a new environment |
What do you think about this? Where in the process of adoption and adaptation do you find yourself today?
Marcellus George and his loving wife are the adoptive parents of (now adult) twin sons. He is the author of numerous articles and devotions, has a Ph.D. in theology...
0 Comments